Ni

[MattJ]

EXTERIOR - SPOOKY FOREST - DAY

Eerie music. They are thoroughly shaken, and they begin to hear noises
of people moving in the forest around them. They start to back
cautiously away from the hut, suddenly there is heavy footfall behind
them. They turn in fear and:

Sudden CUT TO BIG CLOSE-UP of a frightening black-browed evil face.

TALL KNIGHT OF NI
Ni!

ARTHUR and BEDEVERE recoil in abject fear. PATSY rears up with coconuts.
An extraordinary TALL KNIGHT in all black appears. He is extremely fierce
and of gruesome, if silly, countenance, with buckhorns framing his
jet black helmet. Surrounding him are lesser but also tall KNIGHTS, with
silly grey helmets. They are "Ni-ing" fiercely. ARTHUR and PATSY are
wazzing like mad. (Salopian slang, meaning very scared. almost to the
point of wetting oneself, e.g. before an important football match or
prior to a postering. Salopian slang meaning a beating by the school
praeposters. Sorry about the Salopian slant to this stage direction.)


ARTHUR (wazzed stiff)
Who are you?

TALL KNIGHT
We are the Knights Who Say... "Ni"!

ARTHUR
No! Not the Knights Who Say "Ni"!

TALL KNIGHT
The same!

BEDEVERE
Who are they?

TALL KNIGHT
We are the keepers of the sacred words. NI ... Peng ... and Neee
... Wom!

ARTHUR
Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale.

TALL KNIGHT
The Knights Who Say "Ni"! demand a sacrifice.

ARTHUR
Knights of "Ni" ... we are but simple travellers who seek the
Enchanter who lives beyond this woods ...

TALL KNIGHT
NI!

ARTHUR
Oh!

TALL KNIGHT
NI! NI!

TALL KNIGHT
We shall say "Ni!" again to you if you do not appease us.

ARTHUR
Well, what is it you want?

TALL KNIGHT
We want ... a shrubbery!

Dramatic chords.

ARTHUR (contemptuously)
A what?

TALL KNIGHT
Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!

ARTHUR, BEDEVERE and their entourage rear back in pain.

ARTHUR
Please, please, no more! We will find you a shrubbery ...

TALL KNIGHT
You must return here with a shrubbery or else you will
never pass through this wood ... alive!

ARTHUR
O Knights of "Ni!," you are just and fair and we will
return with a shrubbery.

TALL KNIGHT
One that looks nice.

ARTHUR
Of course.

TALL KNIGHT
And not too expensive.

ARTHUR
Yes.

TALL KNIGHT (gesturing dramatically)
Now - go!

[Vince]

I watched that on Sunday (for about the 50th time) Fu*king brilliant.

Got it on DVD and you get some stupid stuff on there. Wicked.